I want it all. Surely that's not asking too much, right? God is a big God and He gives us the desires of our heart. Granted, His ways are not our ways, and His plans are always good and true, whereas our hearts can be misguided by the flesh. But still...my heart's desire is not to be a successful, independent, career woman who can be described as sweet, nice, compassionate, dedicated, faithful, loyal, funny, passionate, articulate, sarcastic, trust-worthy, inspiring, loving, etc. My heart's desire is not even to be thin again (although I would be a lot happier if I were and I'm trying to put in the time and effort to accomplish this long-range goal). All I really want is everything--the real deal, a connection with someone that goes beyond feelings or physical attraction, a love that knows no bounds and has no end. So how foolish am I, right? I mean, I can have this now and forever with Christ as the focus of my heart, time, energy, and spirit. Yet, I still have that sense of hope deferred - unfulfilled longing, an ever-present desire to meet that special someone who thinks I'm special where two hearts become one...because of the love they each have for Christ, which in turn, brings them closer together.
"I want you to want me. I need you to need me." These song lyrics are running through my head right now. Yes, I want marriage and kids (shocking for some of my childhood friends who thought I'd never want to settle down). I want God to provide a man who can be the head of my household, to love God and me, to serve God with me, etc. But God is saying He wants me to want Him. He needs me to need Him. Then, when I'm trusting (and alas, accepting) He will reveal the power of His love in other ways/relationships. It's a struggle to be satisfied with my single life. It's a struggle to accept the compliments of others if they try to say something beyond what I do. It's a struggle to stay encouraged. It's a struggle to discern what the Voice of Truth (hey, what would my blog posts be without at least one or more song references and Bible verses, right?!) is telling me about me...my life, my future. It's a struggle to watch and wait and pray and hope and love.
"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength and rise up like the eagles." (Isaiah somewhere, maybe....I should probably look this up) "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not on your own understandings." (Proverbs something or other) I'm such a fool for love and I'm working on being a fool for the love of Christ since it's all I've got and quite frankly all that's supposed to matter anyways. Maybe if I focus more on Christ, I won't notice the void in my life as much...not having that special someone to share life with day in and day out, good times and bad, sickness and health, and all the rest of the wedding vows too. Time to accept that reality and try to be okay with it even as my patience is tested, my faith is challenged, my heart is broken by the Master's hand.
One last thought - check out the poem "On God's Plan For Your Mate" - it's still my prayer and (foolish) heart's desire. Love ya, Alissa
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